Cheerleader Ninjas

Review by Matthew Anderson

US Live Action Direct to Video Film

Company: Lions Gate Films

Running Time: 90 minutes

Region: 1

Rated: R (Strong sexual content, nudity, language and crude humors)

EXTERNAL EXAM

Because of the internet ,children are being exposed to homosexual and pornographic filth every day . The "Catholic Mothers With Too Much Time on their Hands" have determined the source of this filth, the "Happy Valley High Cheerleaders". They assign "The Evil Stephen" and crack squad of "Catholic Reform School Girls" to silence this menace once and for all.

"Happy Valley High Cheer Squad Team" (comma virgins) Captain Angela has her own problems. Some one has been spreading posters of the cheerleaders hanging out with nerds. She also has two ditzy partners to deal with (and perhaps sell to white slavers) and a new team member to train.

When the Catholic assassins attack our insipid heroes, they realize they need some serious ninja training. Enlisting the aid of a hippy ninja master, the girls begin to learn the ways of the ninja, sort of.

Not content with beating up the cheerleaders, "The Evil Steven" enlists the aid of "Mr. X" to replace every filthy picture on the internet with a picture of the Pope.

Now, with their ninja training in place, there is only one thing the Cheerleader Ninjas need...the help of the geeks!

DVD VISION TEST

VIDEO: Decent. The colors are a little washed out, but the image is sharp. Depending on your system, you may notice some wrinkles or pixels.

AUDIO: The English 2.0 is pretty good, considering the low budget. While it's not an aggressive surround sound mix, the dialogue and music is blended nicely.

EDITS: None that we know of.

EXTRAS: The only extras you get is the trailer for Cheerleader Ninjas and trailers for other Lions Gate Films releases.

WIDESCREEN REVIEW

STORY: Think about every Roger Corman B-movie you have ever seen, and throw in a generous helping of "South Park" humor, and sprinkle it with pop culture references. That will give you some idea of what "Cheerleader Ninjas" is like. Writer/Director Kevin Campbell sets up the "plot" in the first 30 minutes, allowing him to spend the remaining time poking fun at everything he can.

ACTING: I can't tell if the cast are really good actors, or really bad ones. So much of this movie is over exaggerated, it's hard to tell.

Actress Angela Brubaker is perfect for the bitchy Team Captain Angela. I firmly believed that she was going to kill everyone she met. Not a very strong cheerleader.

I think that Jared Brubaker has a future in acting. He is a natural, with a very relaxed and easy going persona. Not a very good nerd.

Jeff Nicholson is the most unconvincing gay man I have ever seen. He can't dress, he doesn't shave all his hair, and what's up with the corn dogs? If he was worried about people getting confused about his sexuality, he need not worry. Yet he is funny, and tries hard to be gay, even though he's not.

FAN SERVICE: To cover all the fan service in this movie would totally eat up the rest of the memory on the web site. Besides multiple shots of Playboy Playmate Kira Reed in various states of undress, you have Andee Crawford in various states of undress. You also have references to "Star Wars", "American Beauty", "American Ninja", "X Files", "Star Trek", "Bring it On", and the "Monty Python" TV series.

FINAL EXAM

I am very disturbed with this movie.

"Cheerleader Ninjas" is one of those "so bad it's good" movies. The minute the film started with the speech about pornographic filth on the internet, I found myself starting to laugh. With in the first ten minutes, my mouth was on the floor and I was still laughing. That was disturbing.

I was quite surprised that there was an actual plot to the story. Sure, it was needlessly complicated, but it was 10 times better than "Women in Cages". Once the plot was out of the way, they went for the wedgie. They placed in so many pop-culture in-jokes and fart jokes, I nearly passed out. Quite disturbing.

This movie will invariably offend someone. Gays, Catholics, Cheerleaders, sluts, sailors, dweebs, mothers, children, people from Asia, people from the south, people with terminal flatulence, and forest animals all fall victim to the rapid fire pot-shots Kevin Campbell takes. I find that very disturbing.

Don't let the cover fool ya, Kira Reed does not wield a sword anywhere in this movie. I wish that she had. She looks good doing it. I think it would have been better if they went the way of Sumo Vixens. You have Angela and her team of "sperm burping sleazebags" getting their buts kicked, and in walks a sword wielding Kira Reed. Wouldn't that be cool? From there, she and the rest of the Cheerleader Ninjas train with hippy ninja master and defeat the evil Catholic Assassins. However, they didn't do that, which is disturbing.

I was a little disappointed that there were only two pairs of stunt breasts used in the film. While I would have preferred to have more, I would have settled for plenty of bikini shots. The fact that I am concerned about this, disturbs me so.

I noticed that the two stars of this film, Angela Brubaker and Jared Brubaker have the same last names. If they are husband and wife, I can see why the two of them work well together. Now, if they are brother and sister, pretending to be boyfriend and girl friend, then that's very disturbing.

I'm sorry to say, but I find myself drawn to the Catholic Reform School Girls. Their evil is intoxicating. Their long legs, their dirty hair, the way they wield weapons are totally cool, and that's disturbing.

Don't worry about the limited special effects. Don't worry about how the set pieces start to fall apart. Don't worry that you can't tell what the hell the giant robots are supposed to be. If you do worry, then you are very disturbed.

I'm sorry, I can't finish the review. Must watch Cheerleader Ninja's again. I find that incredibly disturbing.

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